The random boring muses of the bored Oni

2002-09-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Here it is again.. entirely circular ramblings of an obviously disillusioned person. How can I continue to just rant and rant like this at empty air? there is an easy answer to that.. how can I just sit around hoping wishing that dreams would come true.. that things fall into place that somehow somewhere I dont fall inolve with people ill equipped or indisposed to love me back.

Why bother to argue with petulent children that hate what I have become almost as much as I have consistantly and continually hated it from the first day I looked into my own eyes in the mirror. How can I blithely sit here and just say these words that I have held in my head... almost forever and not worry who is going to see who is going to read them.. who is going to think OH FUCK.. she must be talking about me... Think hard... cause you only get one good guess. a person that just hurts too much to care who she bares herself to.

you have to wonder why I would sit there ranting and waxing poetic about being loved..and loving back.. about finding people that fit into your soul and people that dont... about loving yrou family..and i dont mean the family you were born into .. not your blood family... but yrou heart family..the people that help make you up.. the people that are a deep part of your soul. I will tell you this the easy way. because it bothers me. Because I hate sitting here aching for someone that wont ache for me back. I hate sitting here being someone that I cant smile at and say damn I really do love Myself.. theonly thing that I love are the words that come out of my fingers.. that slide sexylike on my paper.. that caress my eyes when I read them.. and that is by a VERY long shot...

sometimes I cant even bear to look at that. Sometimes I cant even bear to breathe... but thats how it is.. its just something you live with..and breath with every god damned day of yrou life... and somethgin that will eventually fix iteself...
with time.

2002-09-17T06:44:00.000-07:00

I have found.. that it is totally possible to count the amount of people you loved on one hand. I personally have only had two persons in My life that I loved desperatly and thouroughly and I can truely say honestly and purely wanted them to plove Me back. but all of that is dealt with in a way... in one the moment is past and packed away, most probably ascribed to the innocense of youth.. the other one eventually will realise his worth. and his worth in my eyes and understand how I could possibly love him the way I do.
As time goes by people either realise they are loveable.. and loved.. or dont. its an issue you cant force. but it is soemthgin you can try and understand. always remember... all things take time..and work..and if its worth the effort then its worth you rememberign its value and keepign it close to your heart.

2002-09-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

Isnt it strange.. that life sometimes just turns full circle on you ? Its hard to say it now lookign back at it.. but My life is almost right back where it was when I was thirteen. Two Men... Basically the same yet the only reason they arent the same person is because one was back then..and one... wants to be now. how can I find Myself with one foot in a dielemma that will fascniate Me for the rest of My life... ? that time.. when he was kissing Me.. I got flashbacks... to the one before... and honestly.. My soul is still aching... but I was strong.. stronger than i actually believed I could be.. and I wont let what happend the last time.. happen now.

I have to be beyond this.. its not right I shoudl allow this to touch Me like this... I am gogin to be bigger and better than any one person.. or any one thing can ever try to make Me.. or pull Me down to.

Understand this.. . because you knwo who you are... Dont look me in the eye and call Me friends.. and then behave in a way you shouldnt wiht a friend. I wont let you take that choice from me. and very soon that will begin the cold winter.

2002-09-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it was that made a person ache... in their hearts?
This mornign Im confronted with that thought... Is it beign too fat... or thnking noone loves them...
is it the fear that their family will fall apart? Or the fear that oneday the whole bottom will fall out of this world.

Sometimes Im brought about to ask Myself, why should we suffer and cry in the darknesswhy do we have to feel unhappy? is it because we in ourselves need to torment ourselves to begin to feel like more of a person? Do we need to eternally cry Mea culpa to cover for the fact that if we didnt we fear never truely knowing happiness? there has to be soemthgin behind irrational fear. there has to be a reason why some of us arent happy unless we are beating at our chests crying real tears of forsaken anguish.

One day we will figure it out.. why we have to be like this.. and then I pray.. that the world doenst cease to be.

2002-09-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Isnt it strange how things sometimes come to pass... some friends seem to be eternal.. and some just for the time they pass by....

Its a good thing to have freinds that care for you and look out for you ... Im sitting here in My jammy thinking..and Im thinking how good it is to be loved... and cared for..and to have been loved by some people.

That kind of love somehow seemed to help Me to blossom.. and become more of Who I am... I grew because of your loving Me... and if you all ever have a reason to stop loiving Me I understand.. we live..and we grow... even grow apart... I understand that ... its a part of life..and i live with it and I deal with it... just remember.. in My heart you will always be.

2001-10-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.. I really should post more here.... alright.. i think its time to start soemthgin else... Hmmm.. What goes on with Men now a days? I mena when you look at it.. decent Women are fallin by the wayside pining over men.. but what a lot of people dont understand is.. when a Man makes a promise.. to Oh say love you forever.. its usually for that moment... and for that moment they seriously intend to keep it... I dont know.. does a Man suddenly go bad or get complacent when he realises everythgin he workd hard to obtain namely a woman is so well within his grasp he no longer has to tend it? Men are creatures of habit, where as women are creatures of emotion. A Man will figure.. if I have told you once or twice six months ago that I love you... Its understood..no need to go about saying it all the time... but a woman starves dies and strains to hear it.. its a simple thing really.. a hug.. a kiss.. holdign hands.. they all create magic inside of a woman.

Why is it so simple to just turn your back on teh woman you love ore even feel somethgin for just becasue you kwno she is goign to always be there to put uop with whatever you have to dish out? think about it.. it may be simple to say once or twoce or every moment of the day that you love her..but always remember when a woman starts feelin excluded.. you are goign to have major problesm on yrou hands... tend to yourself.. but always remember tend to your woman as well.

Oni Out.

2001-08-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.. Look at that.. 4 posts and disinterest already.. well Im makign a move to Florida for a few weeks.. Yup thats wild... So I will see you all in a while... looks like Im gonna be swinging free and spreadign the island Vibe... Later...

Domi.

2001-07-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

*sighs* Jeez.. see what I was talkign about? My house is STILL full of people... Never mind that.. My Brother is gone as of TOMORROW and I will live the life of an only child.. and that aint bad beans...

Spent all day watchign people play playstation and computer... I know life gets better.. *chuckles8 but at least its time to vegetate... and enjoy....

Im gonna move on ...

Tomorrow is coming.

2001-07-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

Oh My..looks at this..another post.. wellYou can tell that this is a novelty.. thats why there are so many postings so far... waht did I do all day.. clean sleep .. computer... Wow... the wonders of moder chat... I still havent gotten My old ICQ workin..but on the high point.. All day PARTY MY HOUSE tomorrow.. then its out dancing.. I think Im living the good life...

Ey Thal..and the Hardware guy... thanks for the help.. I needed it...

Oh drat.. Im just rememberign that Thal suggested a new font on Archipelago..and I havent changed it Yet...

Hand done HTML is frustrating.. DAMN.
I will finish the links tomorrow.. as well as fix up all the old graphices.. Yup.. Im addicted...
Hullo My name is Deb.and Im an addict..
Looks like Im goin to bed at 4am again today.

2001-07-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Well it has begun... whats goign on today with me.. nothing much at all just thinking how My spelling sucks.. and lovin the fact that I dont have to worry aobut the fact that I lost My voice cause You all cant hear Me...

Ah well later with all of that....